In the beginning…

Can one begin at 31 years of age?

I have spent the past 17 days – New Years and now over two weeks into January – determining that, no. Not exactly. I began when I began. Duh. Game over.

But, I have also determined that one CAN begin again. So, that’s why we are here.

I am 31 years old. I am beautiful, and I am flawed. I am a bundle of good and bad. Most importantly, I am constantly driven to be better than I am. It may be the perfectionist in me, or it may be the diagnosed Social Anxiety and Situational OCD in me, but I am someone who spend loads of my time and mental energy thinking about what more I can do, what more I can be, and what more I should do and be. So, instead of torturing myself with low-self-esteemy thoughts or nitpicking my every move, I am led to…blogging. Blogging. Yes, blogging. This feels a little 2004. And I have lousy luck with blogs. However, a wise friend has pointed out, I will want to remember these times and who I am. The good and the bad.

So, allow me to outline where I am and what positive changes I want to commit to this year.

Physical

I am committed to losing weight in a healthy way, and knowing my body better. I am in no way, shape, or form fat, and this will not be a “poor me” blog consisting of me whining about that. However, as I have aged, my body has changed. My metabolism, what I had so long considered to be my personal “Old Faithful,” has slowed down. And slowly, over the course of two years, I have gained about 20 pounds. I honestly don’t think I look it, but scales tend to be a fail-safe manner of proof. I want to lose that weight not for vain reasons, so much as health. For my frame and body type, I should not weigh what I currently do. I’d like to shed the fat as well so my running can improve. Finally, I want to make sure I am setting myself up for future health. If I do not hit this head-on, before I have a family and other commitments taking up my free time, I worry that it will get away from me.

My method for losing the weight is to slowly track my diet and eat whole, real, healthy foods. Despite considering myself a healthy individual, I do tend toward a lot of processed foods. The added sugar and preservatives just isn’t good. I am going to go for a high protein diet, and am currently researching Keto. I gave up all soda last summer, so I am good there, and have limited my dairy intake over the past three months. (Save for the holidays. Cuz…cheese.) I am already a highly active person, who works out with integrity 5-6 days a week. I alternate between running, yoga, cycling, and strength training. I am excited for my races I am currently dedicated to (yay Kentucky Derby Festival Half! Yay Rock n’ Roll Half!), but also excited to try some new activities. I am interested in rock climbing, and more aerial work, maybe even a trapeze class.

My final physical goal is to continue taking care of my complexion. I have battled acne much of my adult life. In fact, at my theatre school’s senior showcase, the only callback I had booked was for a national Proactiv commercial. I didn’t book it, because I am not Olivia Munn, and also, because my acne, while persistent, isn’t all that bad. It does bug me though, and I have taken a lot of positive steps toward improvement! Through limiting my dairy intake and using good, wholesome products, I am seeing some awesome results already. I want to keep on this path to better my complexion!

My current favorite products I am using on my skin are:

  • Beautycounter Cleansing Balm: an actual miracle product. This balm removes make up, serves as a gentle cleaner, a moisturizer, and a salve for any cuts, abrasions, blemishes, or dry spots. It reduces the appearance of dark spots and any redness, and you will literally see results within a night’s sleep. I could not recommend this stuff enough. I have used it on everything from my face, to cuts, to chapped lips. ($80)
  • Beautycounter Charcoal Cleansing Bar: I use this once a day to remove impurities. It isn’t too drying, and really sucks all the junk out of my pores and blackheads. I had raised, flesh colored bumps on my forehead for YEARS I could not remove, despite exfoliation, masks, and a horrible picking habit. Through using this bar, they are all but gone. ($24)
  • Curology Customized Skincare Superbottle: a close friend turned me onto this company, that essentially is an online dermatologist. All you have to do is create an account, send some INCREDIBLY unflattering pictures of your skin from all angles, and answer some questions from your assigned derm. They mix you up a personalized bottle, and voila! My dermatologist rules, and checks in regularly via email and live chat to see how I am doing. I love this company, and their formula for me is really wonderful! (Pricing varies depending on plan, but starts as low as $19.95/month).

Those are my main three products right now. I stand behind them and recommend thoroughly. A few times a week, I also use Beautycounter’s No. 3 Balancing Facial Mask ($48) and in a hurry to remove make-up at the gym, I use Garnier’s Micellar Cleansing Water ($8.99). I am happy with these products’ results so far, working in conjunction with limited dairy.

As for my make-up, I will bore you with that another day. Onto other commitments for the year!

Mental

I was not in a great place emotionally in December. I felt taken advantage of within my job, held to unfair standards comparatively. I am a proud teacher, but this is a job that is physically, emotionally, and mentally draining enough within the classroom. Add in icky feelings outside of the classroom, and you’re done for.

I worked my ass off to get through grad school and earn my Masters (and was the granny of my program!). I am incredibly passionate about teaching in a low-income, urban area. I have an amazing community at my school, with teachers and administrators who teach with love and logic and put everything into their work for their students every single day. We teach in an area of Chicago that is crime-ridden and full of gang activity. Last year, I had someone open fire while my students were playing on the playground for recess. Sure, they weren’t aiming for us, but who they were aiming for was by us, and so 25 six-year-olds had to run in terror to the nearest door we could find and hope it was unlocked.

Gunfire is a norm. A murder in our parking lot, or the house across the street? Part of the job. Our students are from impoverished homes, many are homeless. They’re hungry, and do not receive proper care. Many are abused physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually. We are a team of fighters, and we fight for our students every day. It does, however, take a toll. Surprise. I am not a robot. I am incredibly empathetic, and I take on the pains and frustrations of those around me far easier than I even recognize or deal with my own. I am a strong person, and I will continue to be strong for my students.

BUT.

When all I did was sleep, come to school for 12+ hours, go home, walk my dog, and sleep…I was not feeding my soul. I am fiercely passionate about my job and my students, but no person is just one thing. It took me a year and a half of teaching to realize, I am not just a teacher. I can be more. I am allowed to work my 9 hour day and then go to concerts, or see my friends, or reintroduce theatre into my life. I am at a point where I have spent too long not feeding my soul, and it is time for me to prioritize myself. I can assure anyone that I will be a better teacher when I am balanced and feeding my sense of self in multiple ways.

As I said, I am 31 years old. I am beautiful, and I am flawed. I am a bundle of good and bad. Most importantly, I am constantly driven to be better than I am. I am not just a teacher. I was not just an actor. I will spend this year being who I am: teacher. Actor. Friend. Girlfriend. Sister. Daughter. Clown. Athlete. Adventurer. Risk-taker. Nerd. Patient. Colleague. Teammate. Me.

Julia Gordon.

Jewel-ee-uh Gourd-on.