One half.

Well, my plan was to be more on top of things this year, and while I mostly am, I definitely neglected to recognize that half of this year is already down! My goal when I even began this blog was to chart my personal successes and attempts at living a happier, healthier, more fulfilled life. I promised to do one big thing a month that was just for me. In April, I recapped the first three months of the year and how it had been going so far. My plan was to do quarterly blog check-ins. Aaaaand here we are now, almost through July before I realized I had dropped the ball on my second check-in. Oh well, better late than never!

April

April was a really good month for me, creatively, personally, athletically, and professionally. The month began with me helping my old friend Theo out and shooting a short film with him. Theo is an amazing artist, and I was so excited to get to contribute a little bit to his work! We filmed over the course of one Thursday evening, and it was so fun to flex my acting muscles, particularly in film, where I have less experience. We created a really fun, creepy, exciting little piece, and I was really proud of it!

April also included a lot of time with two of my favorite people, Tom and Serena. These two attended a fundraiser for my school’s 8th graders to get to go on a graduation trip, something that would have been impossible without the generosity of strangers. The fundraiser was a huge success, and contributions from Tom, Serena, my friend Brett, my mom, Kurt, my coworkers and their friends and families ensured that the entire 8th grade class got to go to St. Louis. It was a really momentous occasion for my school, which is in no position to financially aid these students and their families on its own.

Tom and Serena also became our travel partners in April. First, we went to Milwaukee for a weekend. Kurt and I had tickets to see Jack White at The Rave/Eagles Club, and The Blondes decided to tag along. Here is a really cool pic I got of the Jack White show:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh. That’s right. Jack White does this thing where upon entering the venue, your phone gets locked inside a little pouch that cannot be opened until the end of his set. While this at first promoted a little bit of anxiety (like when I had to pee and had no clue where Kurt was when I re-entered the crowd), it was honestly such a cool little touch. Kurt and I could focus on the music and actually experience a live show without watching it through everyone else’s phone screens. Great concert, and he even came back for an unscheduled encore simply due to the Milwaukee crowd’s crazy demands.

Milwaukee is a great city, and I always enjoy it there. Serena and I had to fit in a training run on that Saturday morning, and we did a cool 5 miles along the lake front and through downtown, ending at Harp for Bloody Mary’s. The folks in Milwaukee are absolute party animals – every time I am in that city, I see a whole new form of drunkenness. However, spending Saturday afternoon and evening bar hopping, asking Random Questions, eating some of the greatest tacos ever, and just being with friends in such a laid back town was well worth the short trip up there.

Closing out April was the half marathon in Louisville. Kurt, Tom, Serena, and I drove down for a weekend trip, and Serena and I ran the Kentucky Derby Festival Half Marathon. My feelings and experiences of that weekend are laid out pretty extensively in my blog post about it, but finishing that race was a huge feat for me and was a very emotional victory. After my accident in February, I honestly thought my active lifestyle may have to change, and that’s not something I ever even want to consider. While I am still dealing with some residual pain and stiffness from my fall, and reconsidering new forms of treatment, I hold dearly to the fact that I finished that race in April. Be it from sheer will, or the kind and supportive nature of someone like Serena keeping me going, that race was a huge celebration for me, and I can safely say, will be one of the highlights of this year.

May

Ohhhhh highlights of the year…what about highlights of my LIFE? May brought about what will forever be one of the best evenings I’ve ever experienced: the night Kurt asked me to marry him. Again, I blogged all about this, but let me just say – I am so happily giddy about being engaged to Kurt that I don’t think I will ever come down off this high. Planning our wedding is so exciting, and I am so looking forward to sharing that day with the people we love. I love this man with all my heart, and the idea that I am sharing my life with him forever just makes me so beyond happy.

Okay, gushy gushy. May also included the end of my Chicago Run coaching season and year, which could potentially be my last due to some other professional promotions that will be taking up my after school time. I love that crazy team, and have loved getting closer to the middle schoolers, whom I really do not have much exposure to. Additionally, we had yet another successful school field trip to Maggie Daley Park, which is so good for our kids. My students often cannot play outside due to the crime in their neighborhood, and rarely get to see downtown Chicago at all, and so bringing them to a place where they can safely be kids without anxiety or fear of their surroundings is not something to be taken for granted. I am so thankful for our school and the administrators who recognize what our kiddos truly need: to feel young, playful, and innocent.

June

June was an awesome month. It just was. Everything went really well and I had so many fun, good experiences. June began with my show opening, and I cannot even express what a blast I had performing with Chicago Red Line. This group is full of fantastic, sweet people who have welcomed me and allowed me to grow and play as a performer. They met me with support from the beginning, and performing “You Can’t Sit With Us,” our musical parody of Mean Girls, was so fun. Being back on stage, singing and dancing, was so empowering for me, and so much more full of heart than any of the last times I performed. I needed the hiatus, I suppose, to reconnect to who I truly am as a performer outside of just boobs in a corset (the majority of the roles I landed).

Kurt and I went to Louisville to look at wedding venues, and SURPRISE! His mom and my mom schemed up an in-law meeting without telling us. They knew we would have been nervous wrecks, and so they cooked up a plan to have Kurt’s parents arrive a few hours before us. Imagine my surprise when we got into my parents’ house and Kurt’s parents were sitting on the back porch! In any case, we had an awesome weekend showing them around Louisville, and even booked our venue! I feel incredibly lucky that my family is so supportive, and that I am also marrying into a family that puts time with each other first.

June ended with Serena and I going back to Louisville to see Taylor Swift. Honestly, I was a pretty mild T. Swift fan before, and yet now find myself absolutely obsessed. Whatever she is selling, I am buying it. The Reputation Arena tour is absolutely spectacular, and I have never had so much fun at a show. Find a way to see this show and go. And you know what? I realized exactly why I like Taylor Swift so much. This is a girl who gets incessantly dumped on. Maybe she does bring it on herself, I don’t know, but it’s just always something for her – some drama, some pain, some bullshit. And I do believe she handles it as classily as she can in the public eye. I think she writes her pain and her frustrations but gets pigeonholed as the girl who writes songs about her exes. What about all the bops about crappy ex-friends, betrayal, misunderstanding situations, and being in love? She is a survivor, and a fighter, and I play right into her world-domination game, okay???

Oh, also I bought my wedding dress. It’s stunning and beautiful, and I love it, but we are still working on the whole “loving myself in it” thing. Man, 20+ years of body image issues does not make wedding dress shopping fun, but it’s all about remembering that it isn’t about the dress, or the hair, or the venue. It’s that I am marrying Kurt, and all the incredible people I love, the people who are making this year so very good, will be there celebrating with us.

This year is halfway over, and I am absolutely stoked to see what the next 6 (okay, 5, I am late posting this) months brings!

Dear Tinder.

This is a story of Tinder Boy Meets Tinder Girl.

Dear Tinder,

It was the late Spring of 2015. The air was warm, and you could feel summer creeping into the lazy breezes and sun-stretched afternoons. I was at my highest and lowest. Highest, for I had been accepted into a prestigious and competitive education graduate program and teacher training residency, had quit my job of 5 years that brought me considerable frustrations, and was in a new apartment. Lowest, because I was in that apartment after almost 10 months of displacement and discomfort following a house fire where I lost everything, was just reeling from a 6 year relationship ending, and had just been dumped by my rebound.

And there you were, Tinder. Right when I needed you, the very idea of you spread through my brain and allowed me to come to you for the services you offer. I was lonely, but not brazen enough to take myself out to a bar and hit on strangers. I wanted connection, but all of my friends lacked single male friends. I needed reassurance and attention, and was just downright ready to flirt. I downloaded you, clicked the little white flame, and created my profile.

I am shocked, Tinder, that I did not have callouses on my thumbs from the constant, addictive swiping. Sure, people can say that you’re shallow, or materialistic, but guess what? Humans are visual, and we DO judge who were are attracted to based on looks even before we get to know them. So, you allowed me to shuffle through pictures of men in Chicago and be a shallow, animalistic, single, 28-year-old woman. It was right what I needed right when I needed it.

Baby’s first Tinder profile pic. Hide the eyes, get the guys?

I encountered men that ranged from kind of sad (shout out to you, Recently Divorced Dad who still lived with his ex-wife and wanted to make her jealous with me), to desperate (shout out to YOU, Scottish Dude on a travel Visa who needed to get married to stay in America) to pretty gross (shout out to YOU, Guy From Las Vegas on a layover at O’Hare). I went on one date with a guy who I talked to via text for about a week. His name was Eric, and I was impressed because he called me and actually talked to me on the phone. There were immediate red flags on our date, such as him telling me he was colorblind but then identifying many colors of objects around the bar, or stating that if I were his, he would make me sell all my possessions so I had no memories associated with anyone but him. The red flags quickly turned black and essentially went up in flames when he continuously bought me drinks and said he “just wanted to get me drunk enough to fuck him.” Bye, Eric.

Had I turned my back on you then, Tinder, I would have lost out on meeting the love of my life. And this is why, Tinder, I must thank you. You are not merely a vapid, silly, hook-up site. You somehow, by some chance, by some mystic coincidental swiping on both sides, led me to meeting Kurt.

Who wouldn’t swipe right for this handsome mug? (Kurt, circa 2015.)

Kurt and I texted for weeks before meeting face to face. We would ask each other Random Questions, RQ’s, we called them, and slowly got to know each other well enough to know we would enjoy meeting face to face. We eventually went on a first date at Lost Lake, a tiki bar in our neighborhood. Taking a gamble and figuring “why not?” after my bad experience with Eric, I brought along some firecracker poppers in my purse. When the time felt right, I whipped them out and told him I was “really feeling some sparks between us.” He didn’t run. He laughed. Be it out of pity or genuine humor, who cares? He was nice. I went into the bathroom and texted my friend Brett that he was “too good looking for me, and far too nice and normal.” But still, we stayed. We stayed for hours, talking, laughing, drinking tropical cocktails out of ceramic parrots. He walked me back to my apartment in the rain, and I asked him if he wanted to listen to a record. We put on Arcade Fire’s “Funeral.”

That night changed everything. Kurt was in portfolio school and I was starting grad school, but we decided we would continue talking and spending what little free time we had over that next year around one another. We weren’t “official,” and school had to come first, but we spent Fridays and Saturdays together. I met his friends, which was also life changing, and within mere weeks found myself surrounded by much more positive, funny, kind, fun people than I had previously known. You see, Tinder, you led me to not only find the love of my life and my now closest friends, but you allowed me to see what and who I was worthy of surrounding myself with. I deserved far better than I had, and was suddenly able to swipe right into that better life.

At a wedding in the middle of nowhere in Michigan, three months after we met face to face, Kurt asked me to be his girlfriend. A year and 9 months after that, we moved in together. And 13 months after that, last Friday evening, listening to that very same Arcade Fire album, asking the same sorts of Random Questions we had built a connection on three years earlier, he posed the ultimate RQ: he asked me to marry him.

I’ve been learning to drive
My whole life

And so, Tinder, I am writing this letter to you to thank you. You get a bad rap sometimes, but you were there for me when I needed you, you led me away from bad people, helped me wade through some other random crazies, and eventually led me here, to this most beautiful time I have ever experienced: preparing to marry my best friend. I wouldn’t be here without you, Tinder.

IMG_1716.jpg

Love, Julia

Runner.

At some point within the last 24 hours, I began to consider myself a runner.

I think others have possibly considered me to be one prior to this time – my mom said recently she sees me as a natural runner and athlete. The thing is, though, it is a title I have not (and couldn’t) readily give myself. It could be my perpetual low self-esteem, the fact that I am a perfectionist, the fact that I know people who are actually professional runners, or just the fact that my frequency of training and racing has decreased over the past few years, but regardless the reason, “runner” is not exactly how I describe myself to people.

I have never run a full marathon. My speed isn’t anything to brag about. I don’t necessarily LOVE running every single day. But I DO do it. I lace up, I sweat, I push, I try to convince myself I’m not cramping up and my breathing will get more comfortable within the next mile. And though I could downplay it and act like I am perpetually terrible, the fact remains that my hard work and dedication to this mind-game sport that I love, hate, and love to hate, has paid off in improvement. Want to know a big reason why?

This Chick!

Let me tell you about a girl I know named Serena. She cool. Actually, she’s way more than that. She is incredibly loyal, enthusiastic, and empathetic. When I injured myself in February, the day before I was supposed to start training for a half marathon that I convinced her to run with me, she did not let me give up. Even before I got the actual diagnosis and recovery plan from my doctor, Serena was supportive. She was equal parts cheerleader and nurse: counting down the days until I could get back on my feet and start running and also violently demanding I do not cheat on my recovery plan and start trying to run just because my pain wasn’t excruciating. I took two very boring, very sedentary weeks off, and I got an update every day from her of how many more days until I could run again. Honestly, that unwavering belief in my recovery really aided me in believing in it myself.

And so we went to Louisville. I had trained as much as I could: Serena dragged my slow, corpse body all over Logan Square in one 10 mile run in the rain. In Milwaukee the weekend before the race, we crushed a 5 miler along the lakefront and River Walk. And come race day, I was nervous, but undeniably supported. I do not generally like running with people. I make some strange faces and noises and I really despise looking weak. And yet, having Serena run every step of the way with me, assuring me my pace wasn’t too slow, promising me we were almost done and there were beers at the finish line, allowing me a weak moment when I got a charlie horse in my calf from dehydration, allowed me to keep going, and ultimately pull of a PR on a half marathon.

This is the face of relief. I would have been fine being done about three miles earlier.

I have run seven half marathons now, and the only time I have even come close to this pace was when I was 23 and followed a professional training and diet plan to a T. I feel incredibly fortunate to have pulled off this time, injury or no. It is also just different. The last time I ran a half marathon, my house had burned down three weeks prior, and I was homeless, wearing borrowed shoes, and running with something to prove (survival?). The last time I ran the Derby Festival Mini, I was miserably stuck in a relationship, had no friends I was allowed to see, trusted no one, and was at odds with my family. I think I crossed the finish line and made me way through to the after party by myself. So, despite feeling terrible for the last third of the race this time, running with someone who supported me, meeting my amazing parents and the love of my life at the finish line, it just reemphasized what I have thought of so much lately:

I am so lucky and happily surrounded by good people at this time.

Not too shabby!

The best part of this PR? I was not all that sore after! I got an amazing bath and nap in, and managed to hit up the best parts of Louisville with my friends! We even went to the bar where my parents met: Gerstle’s. It was…it was a shit show. But we still had fun.

Not visible: the fact that Tom and Kurt are ghosts here.

And so, flash forward to the week after this momentous weekend for this “non”- runner: I got in three training runs and ran a 5k in Wrigleyville back here in Chicago. I learned some valuable tidbits at the Race to Wrigley:

1.) Courses with more turns are far more interesting and go by faster. This course was boring.

2.) Do NOT think that just because you ran a half marathon a week before that you can enjoy libations at the Derby party you chose to throw the night before. A mile and a half in, I had to wave Serena on so she didn’t see the unseeable: me tossing my cookies out on Irving Park. (I ended up only dry heaving…still embarrassing. How old am I? Be responsible, Julia.)

3.) If you are physically miserable, however, you WILL run faster to get it over with. And so, I finished with my best split miles ever recorded in a race, despite being a little, well, hungover.

Still had my cheerleader, despite my weak stomach and lack of willpower in the face of tequila.

And so, I guess I am a runner. And though it is a painful, exhausting, challenging sport, I love it. In fact, I love it more than ever. I don’t want to stop anytime soon.

One Fourth.

I am currently in shock that it is April. Not only just because we have an inch of snow on the ground and my teaching-stamina seems exceptionally low for having almost three more months of school, but also because so far, 2018 has flown by. To think we are already a quarter of the way through the year is just bonkers to me. It feels like time has sped up, and I am worried about all the things I am probably missing.

On Friday night, I stayed in, and in between eating Stromboli in bed and watching a Casey Anthony true crime documentary, I reflected on everything I have done so far this year. I started this blog in January and set out all these lofty goals about living a healthier, more fulfilled life, where my priority is me and my own self-care. Though it has not felt like it at times, and I’ve been downright cranky over some of the year’s setbacks, I realized that I have totally been keeping up with my goals this year so far. It feels really wonderful to sit down and think about everything that has happened so far this year. Let’s recap:

January

In January, I went to the Wisconsin Dells with Kurt’s family for a belated Christmas celebration. I am fairly obsessed with Kurt’s family: some of the nicest people I have ever encountered. It is also incredibly healing and reparative to spend time with his newest nephew, who was four months old at the time of the trip. Since the loss of my own nephew, I have been wary around babies. Yet, spending time with O has made me feel calmer, more comfortable, and more confident about the idea of babies again. It’s given me hope.

Now, Wisconsin Dells DID offer my own personal hell when I was weighed in a bathing suit in front of a line of people (including Kurt’s family). However, that instance also inspired me to change my eating habits and become healthier. Through that evil, evil water slide scale, I discovered Keto and am already down 8 pounds. So, yes. Water slide scales might be from the devil himself, but also inspired me.

Capping off January was my trip to Orlando with my best friend and his fiance. I cannot even begin to describe the joy I felt on this trip. I got to be a kid again, let my imagination explore, and just laugh with two wonderful people all weekend. Disney has upped its game, and the latest rides and attractions were so wonderful. We went to Universal Studios as well (Casey Anthony’s former employer…guys, that documentary was good…) and I had never visited that park before. I loved it, to put it simply, and want to spend way more time there next time I am in Orlando.

The family I have been babysitting for for 7 years or so happened to be in Orlando at the same time I was, and we got to meet up while at Universal Studios. The older boy just started reading Harry Potter, and I had been reading it out loud to both of the boys in the weeks leading up to the trip. It was incredibly special to share my love for the wizarding world with them, and also to experience the park with them for the first time. The older boy even went on his first roller coaster with me! I have a LOT of love for this family, and was so glad they got to be a part of my trip.

All in all, January was a pretty baller month.

February

February did not start off so great. I was very pumped at the start of the month. I was starting the Keto diet, had started taking Collagen Peptides for my skin, and was on the cusp of starting my half marathon training and rehearsals for The Chicago Red Line, a cabaret group I had been invited to join. Some new socks and a wooden staircase later, I ended up in the ER with a sprained back. I could not put any weight on my right side for almost four days, which led to Kurt dragging me around and waiting on me hand and foot.

It was frustrating as hell, but thank goodness I know so many kind people. Coworkers who drove me to school and offered to move my kids around the building. Friends who offered me kind words and kept me patient while I was laid out resting. Then I got impatient and started running again…which led to further injury. Mid-February found me with not only the sprained back, but also a sprained quad. This stress injury almost killed my spirit, as I then had doctor’s orders to take an additional two weeks off from any physical activity at all.

I am incredibly lucky to have such amazing people in my life who kept me going. Serena offered to run the half marathon with me no matter what pace I had to do it at. She sent me daily texts counting down how many more days til I could run again. My mom bolstered my confidence by saying she thinks of me as a runner, and knows I will succeed even without perfect training. Kurt packed me down with ice and heat every night, and took on all the household chores.

February could have been a total downer, but it just wasn’t. February proved to me how many incredible people I know, and how lucky I am for their support. Also, I finally did get to start rehearsals with Red Line, and it has been such a positive addition to my week. This group has invited me in with no questions asked, and is accepting of my quirks and talents. There is so much room for creativity and personality, and the show we are creating is the exact kind of artistic outlet I had been sorely missing over the past couple of years. It’s been truly an uplifting experience working with them.

March

March was an incredibly positive month. In March, I received clearance to run again once my quad sprain had properly healed. Despite the cold, it has been awesome running pain free. I have to make sure I take two days off between runs, and ice fairly regularly, but I seem to be (knock on wood) officially back on the mend. I am still doing physical therapy twice a week for my back, but it’s getting stronger and stronger!

The biggest event of March was getting Lasik done on my eyes. I have been legally blind since first or second grade, and had always assumed my astigmatism was so severe that my eyes were inoperable. Not so, said LasikPlus in Lincoln Park. Let me start by saying I was extremely nervous morning-of, and had zero sedatives. They did offer me Tylonel PM, which I took, but I was not NEARLY as relaxed as the guy in front of me who was high as a kite on Valium.

The procedure took less than 10 minutes (Kurt timed it) and then I was on my merry way. Though I did not feel any pain, the overall experience is a little alarming. You can feel pressure, there is a lot of noise, and it smells. There are a dozen people in the room, rushing about, muttering to each other, ushering you to different tables with different lasers, taking professional photos of you (??? see above), and it can feel overwhelming. An hour after we left, I wanted to be put out of my misery. My eyes burned so badly, and I couldn’t touch them or do anything to make myself comfortable. I mostly just cried until I eventually slept. Once I woke up though, I could see. I could just see. It’s pretty incredible.

“Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it.” – Ralph Marston

So, the first quarter of the year is down, and I am feeling pretty accomplished. Obviously, I don’t always share the day to day on here, but let me just say, my job is still amazing. Spring Break was necessary, but I am feeling very positive about my kids and their growth right now. I love my school, and am just feeling like a strong team member right now at work.

I had a thought this morning: I have known some truly shitty people, and now I do not. And now, after a long reflection, allow me to add: I have known some truly shitty times, and now I do not. Things are just good right now. It frightens me to type that out, because historically, when things go well for me, they get taken away in some kind of large, traumatic fashion. However, living in fear of acknowledging what I have is disrespectful, for I want the world to know how thankful and content I am. So, with a deep exhale and crossed fingers, let me just say: 2018 is my year.

Perfection.

I am a perfectionist. Tried and true. Everything I take on, I do with 100% of my attention, intelligence, energy, integrity, and emotions.

This is my worst quality.

The thing about perfectionists is that we tend to put an exorbitant amount of pressure on ourselves, pressure that does not match what others even expect of us. We push ourselves to our limits, and then, when things do not go perfectly, we break.

I do this in work: I want total control and predictability in my job. I want everything to go smoothly. I want to be the best educator possible, with students who grow and learn and feel emotionally and academically supported at all times. I bend over backwards and work long hours to make sure I do things first, best, and most thoroughly. And then I feel lonely and like I’m not good enough when I’m not recognized for that. Kind of stupid, but it’s how I operate.

I do this socially: To put it simply, I have had issues with friends. I have put all of my faith and trust into people who have ultimately betrayed me and taken advantage of my kindness in ways I cannot forgive. I know my standards, and I know when someone’s behavior does not come close to meeting what I find to be acceptable. I have deeply analyzed my own faults and flaws, and decided a few years ago to make sure I am being as kind, patient, and level-headed as possible with other people. Unfortunately, people do not always take on relationships with the same mentality. I bend over backwards trying to make people like me and respect me who just never will. And then, the Perfectionist inside me beats me up for failing.

I do this to myself: Cue Radiohead.

Image result for radiohead just gif

When I decide on a goal I’d like to meet, I want to do it and do it the best. So this leads to me, say, running seven painful miles on a sprained quad and thinking to myself “shake it off. Don’t be weak.” And that nagging, shitty, perfectionist voice leads me to having to take two frustrating weeks off from all physical activity, my muscles’ aggravated “I told you so” to my brain. This may be a personal example. Maybe.

Being a perfectionist is a curse, really. I constantly let no one down but myself, and only because I will never be able to please myself. The pressures I put upon myself are unfair.

And so, post-injury, post-heartbreak, post-professional-frustration, I sit here and think, very seriously, how do I break the cycle of perfectionism? I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to fail and feel joy in it.

And I have plenty of failures to choose from. The irony is that I am not perfect. I am far from it, and I know that. I just need to learn to let things go a bit. Not over-analyze the past, not push the current, and not imagine all possible scenarios of the future. I cannot control the world. Why would I even want to? That sounds stressful. As I decided a few years ago, my focus needs to be not on the “perfect” me, but on the me that is kind, open, level-heading, and aware. It will not be perfect, but it will be better. I will be better.

The /k/ Sound.

The /k/ sound is a consonant sound that is spelled with a ‘c,’ ‘k,’ ‘cc,’ ‘ck,’ and very rarely, ‘ch.’

I teach this to my first graders pretty early on in our school year. Now let’s analyze the /k/ sound outside of my classroom and in my personal life. It might be fairly easy to look at 2018 so far and say it’s been…well, rather /k/rappy.

But I wouldn’t say it’s all been crappy. Okay, laying it out, I caught a flu bug, fell down a staircase, and now have some kind of new cold that feels like strep throat. These physical challenges have threatened my training for the half marathon I’m running at the end of April, has messed up my work schedule, and even gotten in the way of starting rehearsals for a new theatre project for me. They’ve been annoying, and frustrating, and I’ve certainly spent a lot of nights so far this year think about how “crappy” 2018 has been.

However. Per my last post, I have an innate, almost obnoxiously unavoidable positive attitude, and I tend to find the good despite the bad. So, allow me to focus on the GOOD /k/ sounds so far this year.

Collagen Peptides

I had brunch a couple weeks ago with fellow blogger and all-around delightful and perfect angel person, Gurl Jonez. And guys…she was GLOWING. I found out she had discovered Collagen Peptides and was putting them in her coffee each morning. So, on her recommendation, I followed suit and ordered Vital Proteins Collagen Peptides.

I’ve been adding two scoops to my morning coffee for a couple weeks now, and let me just say: YASSS. My skin is currently glowing, and also clearing up! My nails appear to be growing and healthier than usual in the winter. And my skin feels soft and smooth. You could say it’s the placebo effect, but regardless, I’m super into this supplement, and totally recommend!!

Keto Diet

I’ve been trying out the Keto Diet for about two and a half weeks, and so far, I’m really enjoying it! For research, I picked up Leanne Vogel’s book:

I love her “real talk” attitude, because it is really scary to think of food in terms of “high fat.” Yeah, it’s awesome eating bacon and eggs for breakfast every day, and I remarked last week that “sour cream is my favorite food,” but it’s still scary and feels very counterintuitive to everything I thought I knew about dieting and weight loss. Her book has really helped me make sense of how your body works in ketosis, and though I haven’t dropped the 20 pounds everyone says you lose on Keto yet, I have noticed an overall feeling of clarity, like a cloud lifted from my mind. I am not hungry in between meals and feel zero cravings. My skin is clearer, either due to the new diet or the collagen, I’m not sure. But, overall, I’m feeling good and excited to continue trying this out! The recipes in this book are also really delicious.

A warning though: the “Keto flu” is real and completely sucks. I thought my head was going to split open one morning. Also, MEAL PREP and PLAN. You go through WAY more meat and veggies than I normally buy in a week’s worth of groceries, and my fridge emptied out rather quickly. Unless you enjoy going to the grocery 3 times a week, follow a Keto shopping plan!!

Not all is crappy. Not all is lost. Training has actually been going really well! My back gets sore, and I still have nights on the heating pad. Yoga feels amazing, and strength training my abs has really improved my running form so that my back isn’t hurting while running. So far, I’m technically a week off from my plan because of the accident, but I’m not worried at all. I’m feeling strong and very capable. Between running and singing, I definitely feel like I have things going on outside of the stress of my job, and it has given me a much more upbeat outlook at life. This was my goal for this year, and so, despite my crappiness, I feel successful.

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Not a runner? I am currently in an ad for a run! Better keep at that training!

Positive.

I get compared to Ellie Kemper often. Nay, not just Ellie Kemper. Very specifically Kimmy Schmidt. I hear it a lot. I have heard it from the closest of friends, from family members, from colleagues, even from strangers.

One time, my principal at the school where I work called me over to speak with me. I nervously approached, not sure what error I had made and nervous of the impending lecture.

“Ms. Gordon,” she began, “My husband and I started watching Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix this weekend, and THAT. IS. JUST. YOU!!!”

Once I had breathed a sigh of relief, I internally rolled my eyes. Only because I have heard the comparison for years now. On my third date with my now boyfriend, he even brought it up. Let me state, though, that it is not offensive. In fact, I find it far more flattering than I deserve. Physically? I can sort of see it, sure:

After years of comparison, why not just go all out for Halloween??

And Ellie Kemper is amazing! Stunningly beautiful, hilarious, and so intelligent. Have you watched her Ted Talk? I highly recommend!

I do feel, though, that people are more often comparing my personality and demeanor to that of the character of Kimmy Schmidt. The reason I roll my eyes is because I do not, and perhaps never will, see myself as a ‘Kimmy.’ For, at her root, Kimmy is the survivor. The person who faced insurmountable odds and overcame them with unwavering positivity and grace.

Faced insurmountable odds? A little. Okay, a lot. I have had some shitty stuff happen. The sheer amount of traumatic bullshit that occurred over a 3-4 year period of my life honestly sounds fake, so I rarely write it down in detail. But I lived it, and it all happened, and it all changed and effected me. So, my hang-up is on the unwavering positivity and grace.

One of the greatest parts of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is the way the show openly discusses trauma and pain. Veiled by satire and some good old-fashioned hi-jinks, in its core, the show is about overcoming hardship and moving through pain to find out who you really are, and what it is you need and want in life to feel complete. Kimmy was kidnapped and stored in a bunker for 15 years. It is implied that within that time, she and the other Mole Women were enslaved and forced into non-consensual sex and marriage. Kimmy was stripped of her rights, her voice, her talent, her freedom, and her safety. She had no control over her circumstance, and no position to fight. Until, you know, one day the women were discovered by some Indiana cops, she moves to NYC, buys a Lisa Frank-inspired wardrobe, and begins discovering how to live as an adult in the modern world.

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The show has never been a vapid comedy that just picks up there and is all about how Kimmy still wears scrunchies (GASP!) or how ridiculously flamboyant Titus is. In fact, it’s truly clever how seamlessly Kimmy’s recovery is woven into the plot lines. Throughout the show’s run, we have witnessed her night terrors, her revulsion and trauma response to physical contact, her embracing the idea of therapy, her working to find her passion and career – all the while holding fast to her core values that we, the audience, have seen she carried with her even during her time in the bunker:

Stay positive, stay kind, and stand by what you believe.

Kimmy is a character learning to heal gracefully, and with eternal optimism.

Julia is a woman who is learning to heal, and sometimes has angry outbursts and feels lost or hopeless.

But the show inspires me to note not what I am not, but what I would like to be. I am a primarily optimistic person, but hear me now: depression, anxiety, and trauma are a bear. It is extremely difficult to go through the day-to-day perfectly and with a smile on my face, but I’d like to try. I’d like to be like Kimmy. I’d like to meet difficult situations or triggering experiences with maintained, consistent optimism instead of crumbling into a worry pile. And, so, I will continue trying. I will breathe, get the smile on my face, and raise the roof like the dork I am.

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I like who I am, and if I remind people of a heroine like Kimmy Schmidt, than I am truly flattered. I am trying, day in and day out, to be as strong and steadily positive. I would like to earn the compliments.